Gilt

I fell off the band-wagon. ::Sigh::

I just get so busy and overwhelmed with the depth of things that must be accomplished, going to the gym stresses me out. I suppose it shouldn't be that way; last week I saw a pinterest pin that said: my health/diet/exercise routine is my relationship with my body. How much time do I invest in that relationship? That whole thing irked me. But I'm getting over it. :)

I saw this on pinterest today: some these girls, in my opinion, looked fine to begin with, but the effort they gave to make themselves fit is really something to be proud of. The girl in the 3rd picture looks like how I want to feel. She just seems happy.

Maybe she's happy because she lost weight; maybe it was just a lovely day. Body is just something I don't want to have to worry about. One less detail to trouble myself over.

I also notice the dates: most of these body transformations took 2 or so years. I've only committed to a year and I haven't even be able to hold to my resolve like I'd hoped. But that's really my pattern - I don't do "routine" well. Even if I "switch up" my exercise, I still have to exercise - which to me, is a routine.

The gym and the effort and the strive to get fit is not gilted, but the results are!! I want to feel gilty! ;) I want to feel that golden, joyful, whole feeling. And I think getting healthy will aid that.

God has been doing some good work in me. I feel stronger, more mature, and self-confident. I feel more confident in my stronger, different walk with Him. I stand up for myself. I speak truth.

But, I want to feel the joy of accomplishment.

So, this week I will be at the gym.

Finally.

Skirt!

Well, when I got "fat" I stopped wearing pretty things. I never felt pretty enough. And then under my skirt I would wear those horrid squeeze-everything-in-and-prevent-thighs-from-chaffing things.

Today, being my birthday, I decided to wear something pretty. AND IT LOOKS GOOD! And I'm not wearing one of those awful contraptions mentioned above.

I feel better. And pretty. Thank God.

I resolve:

To go to the gym 4 days next week.

Faith

Faith is believing in what you cannot see. You know the wind is there because you can see the trees moving and feel your hair sweep away from your skin, but you can't actually see the wind.

Well, I cannot see results. My tummy is still flabby. I still have dimples on my bum. Everything jiggles. Nothing is "tighter". And my arms - the part I hate the most over the past two years, still look as huge as small girl thighs. But, randomly this morning I was thinking about my spring jacket. Several months ago it was super tight in my arms. Today, it wasn't. In fact, it was a little loose.

Faith is believing in what you cannot see. Should it take this much faith to believe I'm losing weight / inches, etc? I'm still thinking I need to see if a doctor can give me something to aid my efforts. But, admittedly, I'm not diving off the fanatical healthy-person cliff in my efforts.

Thursday, February 2, at 3:45pm I will turn 29. Still in my 20s feels good to say. And I'm still thankful a year is a long time - I hear when you get older it goes much faster. I guess you have more details to lose yourself in. Sunday, February 12, at 5:00pm I will have been married to my sweetie for 1 year. <3 Both of these events will be celebrated with cake. I have faith it will taste wonderful.

Faith is trusting that this year will be a good year. Faith is trusting. Trust is an issue for me. But, this entry is about faith, so I will digress.

I'm baaaaack!

Hi.

Sorry it's been a while.

The other day at the gym, I was on the elliptical, 20 resistance (the highest the machine will go), pushing it, sweating, and I see this guy leaving the gym and he noticably turned around to look at me. He didn't shudder, like I assume all men will do when looking at me (even my own husband), he just grinned and nodded. I was like, "Oh Yeah! I still got it! I'm hot stuff!" Baaahahaha. Apparently some older lady tried to set my husband up with her niece that same day, not realizing he is married, so I didn't feel so bad telling him that story.

But, yeah, that was definitely some good motivation. I think it means I'm on the right track. My other motivator is the fact I lost an inch in my calves. I just keeping thinking: I wonder how many more inches I can lose!

I'm back on the "eating healthy" band-wagon. But trying not to be so hard on myself. I've learned the harder I am on myself, the more guilt I project on myself, the more I binge eat and refuse to go to the gym. I don't like being forced or guilted. In fact, my body and mind stand boldly in opposition to it. Recently, the conflicts I've had with others have been over that exact thing: don't demand, don't force, don't use guilt, because I will become hostile to it. I refuse to stand for it.

And even that last paragraph has been motivating me to really "pound the pavement" during my work outs.

Enough said.

Keep busting it! You deserve to have a body that is healthy!

Slimming

Well, I am terrified to weigh back in after the holidays. What I can say is that I am back into a 10. And my "muffin-top" is definitely going down. Mom and Dad also noted that my face looks better. I feel better. I am very glad I took a break, but it's "time to get off my fat ass and exercise". That's my new slogan, by the way. I would be a dynamic motivational speaker.

Oh, I also determined I have a girl crush. Jennifer Hudson.

Jennifer Hudson

Admittedly, she's one of my inspirations at this point. I definitely want to maintain my "curves". That is actually vital, in my opinion. I think runners are beautiful, but I rather love my fabulously big butt - and so does my husband. Note: I am not saying Jennifer Hudson has a big butt, but she looks more like Marilyn Monroe than a holocaust victim. I'm also not saying runners look like holocaust victims.

Ok, I fear, I'm getting off track. When I was a little girl, I grew up on Gone with the Wind and White Christmas. Even the petite dancers were dressed to be curvy. The goal was a bust proportionate to hips and a tiny waist. And that is has always been my ideal.

Plus, she always has such cute clothing. And we sing.

My husband has a man crush on Justin Timberlake. Because of SNL. I kind of do too.

I digress.

Hiatus

So, something I've noticed when it comes to squeezing in even a half hour of fitness (although really, it's probably 50 minutes because there are the clothing-change time and the commute time to consider) I end up getting frenzied and panicked because I have SO MANY other things to do. This is why fitness is not the standard for the poor man. Who has time? And this whole "make time" thing is garbage. If I could make time, I would be a billionaire.

Regardless, during the holidays I took a hiatus from the gym because I simply had much too much on my plate. I would work 8 hours, get home and work until 10:00pm trying just to get our house clean for my parents who visited for several days. It's been almost two weeks and I still don't have the whole apartment clean. But that's another topic for another rant for another day.

Not to mention all the other things that are piling up piling up piling up. Need to get glasses; been WAY too long, I can barely see now. Need to get bills straightened out. Need to work on Emmaus music. Need to get my prescription meds mail ordered ASAP. There are only so many hours in a day.

I realize these are excuses. But because I have slight OCD, I stress out over my list of things to be done. Not to mention the weekly list: Cook dinner, clean up after dinner. Do the dishes. Make my lunch and coffee. Take care of the pets. Do the laundry. Fold the laundry. Vacuum. Dust. Take the trash out. Go buy water. Go to the grocery store. Sex. Clean the toilets. Clean up the not-thrown-away q-tips, wrappers, and food from last night (all my husband's). Collect all the dishes strewn in various locations. It is so darned difficult to maintain it all. And then to think if I go work out it means all of that stuff either waits until I get home or it doesn't get done. And because of the OCD the latter option makes me crazy. So, I do the chores. And I hate my life a little more daily.

But, lovely enough, my mother-in-law gave me chromium picolinate for Christmas. I've been taking it since Dec. 26th and I can tell a difference - it's awesome! Chromium picolinate works together with insulin produced by the pancreas to metabolize carbohydrates (Read more). I am, for the record, NOT giving up the gym, but out of necessity and my sanity this has been a good couple weeks.

Lastly in my fitness update: when I began this journey one of my goals, as described in previous installments, was to own and be able to wear sexy riding boots. When I measured my calves originally they were 18" exactly, (which is the beginning of "plus-sized" boots). I measured again this past weekend and they were 17.5"!! Yay! Today I am also wearing a top I haven't worn since 2009!

So, happy New Year! And may you find yourself able to take a guilt-free hiatus too!

Blessings!