Bringing Up the Past

Well, notably, I've been MIA. A dear friend has asked me to update this again.

I don't deal well with guilt. Knowing I hadn't accomplished my original mission with this blog, that I hadn't actually repented :) made me not want to update it. And because I've never really been able to find actual steady accountability in my life, it was natural for me to not "care" about the "accountability" I'd "established" here.

But, Tuesday, September 18 I began Weight Watchers. I kept feeling like following something similar to Weight Watchers is how I started out this endeavour, and it didn't work - it was too long of a process. I get bogged down in foresight. Originally it took 3 months of portion control and busting it at the gym to lose 9 pounds. I was so discouraged.

Then I tried that dumb clean diet. For someone who enjoys food, that is NOT a good choice. It got to the point that I dreaded meal time. For someone who also eats emotionally, it depressed me. That last statement makes me giggle a little. But it was true.

On Sunday, September 16 I weighed myself. 194.2. UGH! And it's almost boot season. Again.

Today was my weigh in, and I'm at 191. My first goal is 182.4.

If I can lose 1 pound every week, that is 52 in a year. 4 pounds a month means 12 pounds by the end of my subscription (although if this works I'll keep it).

The only curve, which is a good curve is this: Nik and I are trying to change a few factors in our lives (namely jobs) so we can start producing little ones. :D I've had multiple successful interviews, and am in the last steps of a few searches. In all honesty, I'd hope to begin trying 6-9 months from now. But, I'm ok to put weight loss on hold in the idea that I can begin again when I'm done.

This week I've been SO happy though. I feel this sudden freedom to eat things I love, but do so smartly. Like, Friday, I indulged in a Smart Ones Mac and Cheese. Not as good as Craft, but Mac and Cheese on a Friday rather than 8 egg whites and lettuce  leaves. I'm relearning treat vs. need. One delicious Weight Watchers ice cream bar vs. 4 scoops of icecream that don't even taste good after the second.

I feel empowered. I feel like I'm doing something wise, that I enjoy, and that I can actually do! Ahh. Being a health freak is not who I am. Did I mention that while I did the clean diet I contemplated what it would be like to climb Mt. Everest? (Probably because that's symbolically/psychologically what I felt following a clean diet was.)

I was bored one day at work, and something about Mt. Everest popped up. So I looked into it. All these completely fit people conquerring this incredible mountain. They ate noting but berries and nuts and pushed their physique to the limits. "I could do that!" I thought triumphantly. And then I read the death statistics. :) Look them up. I'm not a health freak. I would die on that mountain.

The other reason I stopped blogging is someone in my life used my words against me. Because of all my baggage I decided to stop blogging my honesty so that no one could use it against me.

But I am who I am. God has thoroughly reminded me of that over the past month. So, for now, I'm back. Brutally honest. Attempting to repent of a fat lifestyle. And loving more and more my new steps with the God who loves me for me.

Week in Review

Well, after 5 days of eating all the time (but really, surprisingly, I was only ever eating 900-1200 cals a day). But I was eating so much all the time that I was never hungry and had WAY more energy. Now, I get that 900 a day doesn't seem wise, but on the particular diet I'm on, I'm eating a TON of egg whites (very little cals) fruit, veggies, lean chicken, and a TON of water.

Some of the awesome/weird side-effects. I have WAY more energy. Despite the fact I think I went through junk food withdrawal several times. I only drink about half a cup of coffee now (4oz). I feel better now; not as "sick" feeling all the time. I do have gas though (hahaha)... but I'm much more regular; really the gas only happens right after I eat, and it's worse if I add too much salt.

Even my tastes have started to change. On Wednesday, after my workout, I wanted a grape fruit. I was shocked. I've never craved healthy things. Well, ok that's not completely true, I have craved salads before (with buffalo fried chicken on top). :) But a grapefruit? Cold from the fridge. An itty-bitty bit of Truvia on top (less than half a packet). It was SO good. Ate the whole thing. And the juice. It was so sour though that I didn't want more once it was gone. :)

The most difficult part is staying prepped for the next day AND eating every 3 hours. By Wednesday I was SO sick and tired of eating. Next week I'm going to incorporate some other recipes:

• Spaghetti Squash with turkey meat balls and some homemade quick marinara.
• Gazpacho.

That's all I got so far. Everything else is fine. Kinda getting tired of the sweet potatoes though. You can only eat those cold so many times. I may try baking half of one at work... we'll see.

4 pounds in one week is SO good. I'm stoked! Last time it took, what? 3 months of bitter weeping and hard work at the gym and starvation to lose 9.

Try it. I know you'll like it too.

Prepped and Ready to Go

Holy cow. I didn't know this diet would require me to eat a DOZEN egg whites a flipping day. My hubby went to the grocery with me and hugged me in the frozen veggies isle (after we'd finished my list) and said he was proud of me because he wouldn't go this extreme. Hahaha.

Spent an hour roasting sweet taters in about a teaspoon of olive oil. Grilled up some chicken strips (cooking spray used only). Thawed edamame. Steamed green beans. Boiled 18 eggs, pealed, separated (one of them came out bigger and red... it had a baby chicken in it... EWWWWW!!!) :) Seriously though.

I have meals for work for two days. I can't believe I made that much food for only 2 days!! Crazy.

I'm pumped though. Started practicing last week by trying to drink a gallon of water a day by 4pm. Difficult. But I felt great by the end of the week. Ironically I ruined it by drinking a large sweet tea (which I NEVER do... just wanted one). I came back to work and felt awful, so I purged it with water. By 4pm I felt back to normal. Kinda cool.

So, my meal plan for the week has the following options, although, for the sake of ease, I'll probably stick pretty closely to it:

Breakfast, 6:30am
4 scrambled egg whites
2 pieces of whole grain toast
Fruit (either half grapefruit (no sugar or maybe truvia) or a peach)

Snack, 9:30am
4 hard boiled egg whites
1 cup sweet potato

Lunch, 12:30pm
2 grilled chicken strips
1 cup sweet potatoes
1 cup green beans

Snack. 3:30pm
2 grilled chicken strips
1 cup sweet potatoes
1 cup edamame

Snack, 6:30pm
4 scrambled egg whites (if I'm even hungry at this point)
Fruit (strawberries or peach)

Dinner, 8:00pm(ish)
4 or so ounces of 99/1 lean turkey
3 tbsp verde salsa
Salad
2 whole wheat tortillas

Next week I'll branch out a bit. I love love love love roasted veggies, so I'll be doing an assortment next week. I also love rotisery chicken, albiet high in salt, and I love mashed califlower with vinegar. So I'll be incorporating those next week. I'm very excited.

Cheers to something new.

Post Script: Small Steps

Repentance means turning around and going the opposite direction.

Since my post: http://www.repentantfatty.blogspot.com/2011/12/small-steps.html many things have changed. God has been changing me. I think God changes us when we're willing.

I had this moment with God in the car, sometime in late December. I remember praying that I was tired of being who I was. Ironically, I had told people in the past who were constantly cranky and defensive: "Isn't it hard being you?" I felt God asking me the same thing. Isn't it hard being you? Making others angry? Shutting down relationships? Being Miss-cranky-pants all the time?

So, shortly thereafter God began stirring in my heart to make some bigger changes: Spend frequent time in my Word. Reconcile even the toughest situations which you had participation in. Make it a goal to be positive in all your writing on public forums. :) You think I'm kidding, don't you? Seriously.

I had a boss who follows God. He is full of compassion and grace. He is the second most Christ-like person I've ever worked for. And his best Christ-like quality, which Richard Foster would say is WHO he is and not something he DOES, he is humble and doesn't know he is humble. Anyway, this boss said to me something profound several months ago: You cannot forgive something that didn't happen.

I told him, he was right. But that I also know, staying angry at someone, holding a grudge, doesn't actually hurt the person with whom you are angry or hold a grudge. It only hurts you. Much forgiveness has happened in the past six months.

I apologized to two people whom I'd hurt deeply with my words. One was a former co-worker. I am so glad we reconciled. How this started: I felt God urging me to pray for him shortly after I had my moment with God in the car. So I did. It didn't start out bitterly. But it did start out short. "God, be with him." Then it grew to, "God, you love him. So, show Him your love today." Then it grew to: "God, if you love him, so should I." It's funny how small steps become gigantic steps in relationship to an all loving God. The best part is, our reconciliation was a blessing to me. I got to see his new born baby, and see his wife.

Then I began reading this book: Repenting of Religion by Gregory A Boyd. It suggests that we eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil every time we judge someone, and it is this judgment which keeps people away from Jesus. Now, it's much more eloquantly articulated, and a highly recommended read, but God's word through it has been changing me. I've taken Boyd's challenge to start seeing other people - ALL PEOPLE - even those whom I view to be "highly hypocrtical abusers of authority" (as mentioned in my previous "Small Steps" entry in early December), with Christ's love, forgiveness, grace, and compassion. As God worked on my heart I kept feeling Him bring up this situation with another person. Honestly, I felt righteous about the whole situation. (I can justify anything - but I feel most people are talented at justifying their wrong actions.) But, God kept pulling my heart to seek reconciliation. To admit I was wrong (even though I felt very right). So, one day, while getting ready in the morning, I felt God say, 'Do it Now'. So, I stopped myself mid-hair brush stroke, and made contact with this person and sought reconciliation.

There is a difference in doing these things because I am obligated to do them. If I tell my husband this: "I love because I am obligated to by our marriage vows." Does he feel loved? If I tell God, "I will seek reconciliation because I am obligated to." am I authentically seeking reconciliation for the reasons God has for me? Why does Martha neglect spending time with Jesus? Because she has cultural obligations. Who else is going to prepare the meal and clean up if she doesn't do it? But Mary sees time with Jesus as more important than the obligation. Obligations will get done. But what is greater?

This week I will begin a clean diet. And this week I'll be going back to gym.

Can't is a Viable Reason.

Shortly after my last post I came down with severe allergies / sinus drainage / sore throat. And this has continued until today. Went to Urgent Care twice (no primary physician just yet), have been loaded with steroids, with no success. So, tomorrow I will see an ENT. I also haven't been able to sing. It's killing me. (Actually makes me feel so purposeless - without my voice I feel I have nothing; no career path, no motivation, no joy.) I'm terrified I have something wrong with my vocal cords. Petrified. Paralyzed.

So, all my weight is back on. I haven't been able to breathe, and therefore I haven't been to the gym. I haven't weighed myself. I'm afraid to. My clothing still fits. Relatively.

I just feel very discouraged. And "can't" is actually viable. I could have gone. Yeah. And choked on my drainage. Could have been entertaining I suppose.

I've been thinking a lot about what defines us. It frustrates me that something I rely on to make me actually feel worth anything is not functioning. At least when all the shit-hit-the-fan I could sing and feel confident, pretty, joyful, full of life. But now I can't do that. It breaks my heart.

It's alway something other than Christ.

Body image. Singing. Guitar playing. If only I had a better body. If only I could sing. If only I could play mad riffs and lead worship with the cool male worship leaders. Then people would hold me in high regard. I would be something special. I want to be special. I want to be respected. I don't want to have to pay dues anymore.

But more than anything, I'm desperate for my voice. Desperate. Please God. Please.

New Motivation

Well, I think I'm going to be able to take some vacation this year. My first goal is to feel better about going to the beach in June or July. Need to get on that... Been sick for the past two weeks. Not sick enough to not go to work but sick enough to make my vocal cords really weak. (This month I have a TON of singing engagements. Every weekend is "booked".)

My second goal is my cousin's wedding which I hope to attend in September. As I've written previously, I want to feel pretty again. So, I'd like to be able to wear some new clothing come September, including a pretty dress at her wedding. Plus, looking better, fitter, would be an added bonus.

My second goal I think is the most motivating. It means I need to add some strength training into my routine, which I've been intending to do. Also, I've decided, on the days I have absolutely nothing going on after my work out, I'm going to go 45 minutes. This is gauranteed to get me over 600 calories per work out.

Over the past two weeks, I've been doing much better at curbing my junk food intake. I had some relapses around my birthday and anniversary.

But right now I'm super tired. I hate being sick, but not sick enough to stay home from work. Maybe if my job was strenuous I'd have a reason... Sleep is so essential. I love sleep. Last week I had a rehearsal in the evening, after a meeting, after work. I had woken up at 6:00am and didn't go to bed until 10:30pm. I worked 12 hours. I hadn't pulled 12 hours of work since my last job. And in that job I was pulling 12 hour days at least 4 days a week. I remember being irritable, defensive, wiped out, sick, tired, moody, unable to think clearly most of the time. My body took two days to recover from my event last week. 2 entire days!! Rest is essential. God didn't intend for us to burn ourselves out.

The more I do this fitness stuff the more I strongly believe anything in excess isn't good. Food in excess makes us fat. Sleep in excess makes us lazy. Lack of sleep in excess makes us grumpy. Alcohol in excess makes us not only intoxicated but stupid; it also damages your body (of course). Fitness in excess ruins your body; your bones become weak, you need joint replacements... etc. Taking care of the body God gave us is so important.

Last note: for Lent I've decided not to fast from anything. I think I've been depriving myself for a good portion of my life. So, I've been adding quiet time. Just 15-20 minutes a day, intentionally observing sunset. The interesting thing to me is this: when I look away for a second, the sky changes. Beautiful colors that were there just a moment ago turn to gray so quickly. I think I've been focusing to much on myself and not on Christ, and not on the moments of my life which are good. In the same way I look at the sunset, may I keep my eyes on Christ so I won't miss all the beautiful things he is showing me.

Sunset from my balcony.

Gilt

I fell off the band-wagon. ::Sigh::

I just get so busy and overwhelmed with the depth of things that must be accomplished, going to the gym stresses me out. I suppose it shouldn't be that way; last week I saw a pinterest pin that said: my health/diet/exercise routine is my relationship with my body. How much time do I invest in that relationship? That whole thing irked me. But I'm getting over it. :)

I saw this on pinterest today: some these girls, in my opinion, looked fine to begin with, but the effort they gave to make themselves fit is really something to be proud of. The girl in the 3rd picture looks like how I want to feel. She just seems happy.

Maybe she's happy because she lost weight; maybe it was just a lovely day. Body is just something I don't want to have to worry about. One less detail to trouble myself over.

I also notice the dates: most of these body transformations took 2 or so years. I've only committed to a year and I haven't even be able to hold to my resolve like I'd hoped. But that's really my pattern - I don't do "routine" well. Even if I "switch up" my exercise, I still have to exercise - which to me, is a routine.

The gym and the effort and the strive to get fit is not gilted, but the results are!! I want to feel gilty! ;) I want to feel that golden, joyful, whole feeling. And I think getting healthy will aid that.

God has been doing some good work in me. I feel stronger, more mature, and self-confident. I feel more confident in my stronger, different walk with Him. I stand up for myself. I speak truth.

But, I want to feel the joy of accomplishment.

So, this week I will be at the gym.

Finally.