I don't deal well with guilt. Knowing I hadn't accomplished my original mission with this blog, that I hadn't actually repented :) made me not want to update it. And because I've never really been able to find actual steady accountability in my life, it was natural for me to not "care" about the "accountability" I'd "established" here.
But, Tuesday, September 18 I began Weight Watchers. I kept feeling like following something similar to Weight Watchers is how I started out this endeavour, and it didn't work - it was too long of a process. I get bogged down in foresight. Originally it took 3 months of portion control and busting it at the gym to lose 9 pounds. I was so discouraged.
Then I tried that dumb clean diet. For someone who enjoys food, that is NOT a good choice. It got to the point that I dreaded meal time. For someone who also eats emotionally, it depressed me. That last statement makes me giggle a little. But it was true.
On Sunday, September 16 I weighed myself. 194.2. UGH! And it's almost boot season. Again.
Today was my weigh in, and I'm at 191. My first goal is 182.4.
If I can lose 1 pound every week, that is 52 in a year. 4 pounds a month means 12 pounds by the end of my subscription (although if this works I'll keep it).
The only curve, which is a good curve is this: Nik and I are trying to change a few factors in our lives (namely jobs) so we can start producing little ones. :D I've had multiple successful interviews, and am in the last steps of a few searches. In all honesty, I'd hope to begin trying 6-9 months from now. But, I'm ok to put weight loss on hold in the idea that I can begin again when I'm done.
This week I've been SO happy though. I feel this sudden freedom to eat things I love, but do so smartly. Like, Friday, I indulged in a Smart Ones Mac and Cheese. Not as good as Craft, but Mac and Cheese on a Friday rather than 8 egg whites and
I feel empowered. I feel like I'm doing something wise, that I enjoy, and that I can actually do! Ahh. Being a health freak is not who I am. Did I mention that while I did the clean diet I contemplated what it would be like to climb Mt. Everest? (Probably because that's symbolically/psychologically what I felt following a clean diet was.)
I was bored one day at work, and something about Mt. Everest popped up. So I looked into it. All these completely fit people conquerring this incredible mountain. They ate noting but berries and nuts and pushed their physique to the limits. "I could do that!" I thought triumphantly. And then I read the death statistics. :) Look them up. I'm not a health freak. I would die on that mountain.
The other reason I stopped blogging is someone in my life used my words against me. Because of all my baggage I decided to stop blogging my honesty so that no one could use it against me.
But I am who I am. God has thoroughly reminded me of that over the past month. So, for now, I'm back. Brutally honest. Attempting to repent of a fat lifestyle. And loving more and more my new steps with the God who loves me for me.
