Does this Christmas make me look fat?

I decided this year I truly love giving better than receiving. I love seeing a hard sought after gift make its receiver smile gleefully. Actually, my most favorite is when the receiver gasps into a giggle because the gift is a surprise but exactly what they wanted! I love opening my presents, don't get me wrong, but I feel more anticipation waiting for others to open their gifts from me! Maybe this is because I want some appreciation or something; but whatever, I still love it!

The reason I say this is because there is this faux-paux which really hurts "fat" girls, or at least self-conscious girls: the clothing item that is too big of a size (ie: one wears an XL and receives a 3XL). Now, one might think this is some version of flattery, but I can't figure out how in my mind. Probably because I am self-conscious. Instead I view it as this: These people see me as fat. The only flattery is when I put on the item and it hangs off my body like a tent. The problem is the perception. Is it a perception I project? Or is it genuinely others perceptions of me? Or is it a lack of time to ask? Or is it just over-sight?

Regardless, I am thankful for the gifts. And I'm thankful for the motivation.

Several years ago, I went on a work mission trip. It is actually the same mission trip I posted about several weeks ago. During this time I was still wearing small t-shirts and weighed probably 165lbs. One evening we were at the showers, and I was changing in the locker room with several women. I was putting on jeans. They questioned me: "Why the heck are you putting on jeans??? It is SO hot outside!" I replied: "I vowed off shorts in 6th grade because I was tired of getting picked on for being heavier than the other girls." One of the women replied: "Oh, yeah, that's difficult! You know, I heard that getting a lap band (stomach stapling) really works!" The other lady chimed it: "Oh, yeah! I had a friend who did that and she lost 100lbs! Maybe that would work for you?"

I was speechless. I called my mom later that evening sobbing. "Mom?! Is this like that movie Shallow Hal? Am I HUGE or something? Am I like 500lbs and I see myself as being 165lbs? Is there something you're not telling me???" I couldn't believe these ladies would honestly suggest lap band procedure for me! If I lost 100lbs I would be extremely sick! What the heck? I still don't understand that.

The redemption of my "Do I look fat in this Christmas" was one of our gifts: an XBox Kinect. My husband and I played it for about an hour before Christmas dinner, sweating our butts off. The best part: I was agile and kept getting high scores. I didn't become too breathless - and definitely not as breathless as I would have several months ago. And what I thought was a horrid part of Kinect: it takes pictures of you as you play the games; it turned out to be enlightening - I looked thinner!

This week I've been slacking, but I will be going to the gym tomorrow and Thursday. Then I will join the resolution crowds January 3rd; pace with them and then let them eat my dust as they break their resolutions and I keep mine going. Because I started my resolution before the New Year began!

Weeks in Review (Dec. 12 - 22)

Mon, Dec. 12, 2011

35 minutes: Elliptical. 507 cals. Nice pace. 1,221 cals consumed. Edamame have a lot of calories! :(

Tues, Dec 13, 2011
Really bad headache. Went home and slept it off.

Wed, Dec. 14, 2011
566 cals burnt. Difficult time getting my stride. Elliptical / Tredmill Crosstrainer; 45 minutes total.

Monday, Dec. 19
566 Cals burnt. Elliptical Trainer.

Tues, Dec. 20
Terrible dizzy headache :( No gym for me.

Wed. Dec. 21
511 Cals burnt Elliptical Trainer. Tough workout.

Thurs. Dec 22
500 Cals burnt Different Trainer than usual (one of the older ones) for 35 min. Then bike for 15 min. Went fast, got runners cramp... oh well.

Busy few weeks, but I am proud that I did go as often as I did. I also have remained at 184 despite eating cookies and extravagant dinners with wine. This week I may not be able to go as frequently, but I will try to go at least twice.

Your Pants are on Fire.

Lies.

And the peace that comes when hearing and knowing the voice of absolute Truth.

This is life's ultimate battle. And all our lives are tied and twisted into this sticky web which we weave. Lies told to us. Lies told about us. Truth told to us. Truth told about us. Lies we tell. Truths we tell. Lies we believe. Truths we believe.

License Bureau: How much do you weigh? "120 and flippin' proud of it!" In reality you weigh 200, you've just convinced yourself each year that you carry it well and no one knows the difference.

Stressful Job: Why are you calling in sick? "Because I have that yellow fever that's going around!" In reality you're thinking: What the hell is yellow fever anyway? Does that even go around the U.S. anymore? Well, it sounded better than 'I want to hide under my covers and pretend I live a glamorous life like Oprah' or better yet, 'I hate you. Die.'

Church: Boy, you sure do have a chipper smile on your face today! "Well, it's just because I love the LORD so much!" In reality, your broken life is just not something those people want to hear about. They've tired of your complaining. So you go home and write a jaded blog about repenting of being fat, but really it's just an outlet for you to be snarky and feel better about all the crappy things you've been through.

Lies tear down reality. We love building alternate realities around us.

I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Though it is a children's story, C.S. Lewis beautifully articulates his theology simply. He delivers to us an image of God that is contrary to that articulated by pop-christianity; Aslan is good, but not safe. The god of pop-christianity is good and safe, like the Easter bunny is fuzzy. Aslan is kind, tender, and patient, but fiercely-tough loving. The god of pop-christianity is kind, tender, and patient until we don't say the right thing, wear the right thing, sing the right praise song,  think the right thing, and then this god is fiercely-abusive, slaying his victims with cruel words of condemnation.  Aslan warms your heart with sweet affection and wild, courageous passion; the god of pop-christianity warms your heart with ooey-gooey marshmallow peep affection, sickly sweet and stickily sedentary. And because this god sounds a lot more like Satan himself, he doesn't hate Satan the most, but instead, the sinner. But he would never ever ever say that! He would say he hates Satan most.

This morning, some bad things happened to my family. They are fixable. But they were scary. I got on my hands and knees and called out! God, fix this! Everything that has gone poorly in my life, which I openly blame you for, at LEAST you could fix this! If you do actually love us, fix this. Make it right. Or, I'm not sure I can follow you because you don't hold to your promises; to provide for us. (Scripture says if God provides for the birds of the air, and dons the flowers with the most beautiful attire, surely he will care for us, and in richer ways than even them.) It can definitely be argued that in places like Africa or Haiti, where poverty is rampant, that God is not there, nor does he care for us: the human race. But, go to those places and find people are richer and cared for, who love God; not always in physical means, but in spiritual. In many ways, those beautiful peoples are richer than we, Americanized Christians, will ever know how to be.

But, I heard the voice of Truth this morning. For the first time in a long time. I heard God say: Get up. Get ready for work. Make your breakfast. I will work this out.

And with that voice of Truth came peace that still passed understanding.
Warm. And deep. And full.

Peace.

Reward Points

Well, I discovered I was 3% down in body fat, so this week I let myself go.

Bad Bridget!

I've promised to myself over the next two weeks I will be very intentional to be at the gym every evening I'm not doing holiday things. Otherwise I'm going to compromise my year commitment. It feels good to have something worth striving for.

I realized something very interesting over the past few days. There was a time I strove for holiness. I'm not saying I have necessarily stopped, but as you've read in the past entries, I really despise guilt. And guilt has bound me to many things: like my language. Today at a restaurant our waitress shot salsa out of a container; Nik and I laughed, but she said, under her breath: "Jesus!". And it shocked me. Like it always does. But then I thought, "Why does it shock me?" People who are non-religious don't think about it. They just say it. I always think about it. I am intentional with my swearing each time I utter a swear word. But I feel, lately, I don't hold myself to the same standards because I don't care to. I no longer justify my actions, but do them without regard. I suppose, in a way, I'm rewarding myself for years of dealing with jerks and trying to be good. Now I realize "good" might not revolve around doing things for guilt's sake.

Another reward: I want to be able to wear a bathing suit this summer without crying for 30-60 minutes prior to appearing in public. It's one of my big motivators. When I was younger, I used to day dream about wearing cute summer dresses and going on picnics with my boyfriends (or usually ex-boyfriends I hoped to win over by my stylish slenderness - I of course would wow them with several months after the break up because I would obviously start exercising and lose weight and become pretty and popular). But, now, I imagine just smiling while sunning myself on the beach feeling more confident about my body. But. I still don't understand why I feel that parading in my "underwear", I mean, swim suit, is so catching.

Nevertheless, I have got to stop rewarding myself with food. I am not Monica Geller. Although, my husband would definitely argue that.

It's Working!!!

Ok. I braved the scale tonight. The cool part that measures body fat. Well, it's not really cool - it's actually highly frightening. Nevertheless, the day I got the scale I measured my body fat: 43.1% (at 191.6lbs). Sad right? Well, tonight, I stepped on and the body fat was: 40.0%!!!!! YEAH! And the weight: 184.0!!! YEAH!!!!

Still look the same. Nothing fits any better. But. It's working. When I first measured body fat I was absolutely sedentary. I was that way probably for another 3-4 months before I became active. So in a month or two - give or take - I lost 3%!

Yay!!! So happy.

Now if I can get my mood in order. And my anger under control. And my bitterness in check. We'll be good. ;)

Week in Review Dec. 5-9, 2011

Mon. Dec. 5, 2011
Really good work out.
10 minute miles.
515 cals burnt.
1313 cals consumed.

Tues. Dec. 6, 2011
Leading worship
at an event tonight.
No working out for me.

Wed. Dec. 7, 2011
Good 50 minutes.
6 miles.
706 cals burnt.
1269 cals consumed.

Thur. Dec. 8, 2011
Good work out.
Tough getting there.
4.28 miles.
496 cals burnt.
1211 cals consumed.

Fri. Dec. 9, 2011
Baking day with friends.
Ate approx. 1300 cals.
Though there was a lot
to break a diet on
I ate in moderation! :)
Yay!

 

Weighed in Saturday at 185!! Yay!! Down 8 pounds! Some small victories spiritually and some small victories at the gym. Then again, there were also some really bad moments spiritually and at the gym (or lack of at the gym).

Salty

 ¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. Matthew 5:13

This morning I began reading through the Sermon on the Mount. Something interesting I never noticed before (mainly because I was sectioning off the Sermon the Mount) is that in the Gospel of Matthew, we don't learn much about Jesus' childhood. It's in the other Gospels we read in detail the birth story, Jesus being found in the synagogue with wisdom beyond his years, even Mary cherishing these things in her heart. Matthew, being written to a Jewish audience, describes Jesus' geneology (including women and Gentiles and Moabites - Oh My!). Matthew also describes the historical scene, naming cruel leaders; it also notes the Old Testament Messianic prophecies. But all we know about Jesus prior to his picking disciples and healing mass quanities of people is that he is born, exoduses to and from Egypt, and is baptised. Once all of this is completed in 4 chapters, we dive into the Sermon... If Matthew was the only Gospel we had, this Sermon would lay out of us (and for the audience) who Jesus is, his "core values", and his philosophy.

This is how Matthew chooses to make us familiar with the Savior. Jesus is always flipping things upside-down, including the wealth of religious tradition, education, and self-righteousness.

Did you know too much salt raises blood pressure? When I was in a very stressful church job in Florida, at age 25, I started experiencing chest pains. I knew it was stress related. I went to the doctor and described my pain. He told me three things: I had arthritis in my sternum. I had high blood pressure. I was under much too much stress. He suggested three things: Lose weight. Reduce salt intake. Reduce stress levels.

Is it possible in the church today, in America, we need to raise her "blood pressure"? Is it possible that the reason our churches are dying is a lack of saltiness? But what struck me this morning is this:

Salt cannot regain saltiness once it has lost it's flavor.

Uh oh. "It will be trampled underfoot as worthless."

We don't resemble the Sermon on the Mount. We are so casual with our faith. It is our life-blood so long as it doesn't actually require us to take up a cross and carry it, or be crucified on it. It's our obligation. Our caste-system. Can we ever go from being Pharisees to being poor-in-spirit? Or will our system of politics and opression force us to remain within the boundaries of religious "law"?



Small Steps

There was a time when my advice was sage. Students sought my wisdom. There was a time I was actually mature. Can you regress? I think stress makes us regress.

Slowly I've been weening myself OUT of stressful situations. I find, now, I'm much more joyful (though still thoroughly bitter and cynical and angry). I find, now, I can remember details. I find, now, I can form complete sentences. There was a time during which I was under so much stress I couldn't remember common words. I still struggle. The other day I was instructing my husband how to make mac-and-cheese (very very healthy, I am quite aware); I was trying to get him to use a sauce pan but all I could think of was: "Get the mop, and in that add 2 cups of water." The mop being the sauce pan. It took me a good 5 minutes to remember the words sauce pan. I was emotionally abused by various people during my entire lifetime. I guess I'm one of those people other dominate figures LOVE to push down. And each of them located themselves in church leadership. Therefore, I'm bitter and jaded and cynical and angry. But, small steps, in a loving, gracious environment, are helping me.

Other small steps that have been helping me: saying "No". After I resigned from my last job in ministry, I vowed to NEVER do ANYTHING out of OBLIGATION again. Ministry gets you stuck in this awful dichotomy of following God and following the final clause of most ministry contracts: Other duties assigned by pastor. That is edit: can be THE MOST abusive clause one is held to. A single human being has the opporunity to express his or her free-will control over you and the only thing stopping him or her is hopefully his or her reliance and interaction with an all loving God; in the situations in which I have worked, it seemed to me that the goal was control and not the work of Christ. end edit. There are no limits to the requests you will receive, and by contract you are required to do them. I call that rape. (Being made aware that this is a strong word, "rape", I do not justify it's use, but say only: for the situations I've been a part of, and my inability to say no, I felt it was justified. To say that it's an emotional word would minimalize those who have been raped. But I do not retract it.) But that's my bitter-jaded side. I find that Christmas is the worst season for that clause too. Last year I was engaged to be married. I wanted so badly to spend my Christmas morning at church with my soon-to-be husband in his town (about 30 minutes from where I lived at the time) with his family. My immediate supervisor was out of town (second year in a row). I knew no students would be in the church I worked for that day (I was a student minister); we also didn't have Sunday School. I, therefore, wrote the Senior Pastor and asked if I might spend Christmas day with my fiance and his family. The response was something to the effect of: "We need a pastoral presence at our church Sunday morning, therefore, I would like you to be there." I was pissed. Well, I made Nik (my now husband) meet me in my town and we went to church together. When I arrived, our Senior Pastor was not there. I didn't realize he TOO was out of town. The "pastoral presence" consisted of me, and the offitiating pastor and the offitiating deacon (both who were on stage the entire service). There were probably 3 (out of a possible 50) students there, with their families. As soon as church was over, Nik and I drove seperate cars all the way to his town.

Abuse of authority and blatant hypocrisy. I hate it.

Small steps. I've stopped reading my Bible. I haven't read it in about 9 months. (You need to understand, I have a love affair with my Bible; I have read it so many times. I have scribbled theology all over it. I've scribbled little reminders of God's love and promises all over it. I've even scribbled inside jokes in it from my various places of ministry. It's a beautiful, beautiful reminder of how much I loved God and my faith at one point.)

Anyway, a friend of mine was really struggling the other day. She used to meditate. I suggested she restart meditating by taking small steps: 15 minutes a day, sitting quietly, capturing all her thoughts and banishing them, replacing that void with some good single thought: I am lovely, I am beautiful, I am good, etc. Then it dawned on me. God has been beckoning me to read scripture again. So, for the past two mornings, I've been reading through the Gospel of Matthew. I keep running late to work as a result, but somehow I know God's word will heal my bitter, jaded, cynicism. And somehow God's word will soften my anger. It always does.

What small steps do you need to take today?

Take them! Babies don't learn to walk unless they take a step. A small step.

Holidays

Well... this past week I had a head cold. Started out as a gnarly sore throat and moved into my chest. Needlesstosay, I did not go to the gym. And, I ate way outside of the realm of any diet. Oops.

This week, however, I plan to be at the gym 4 nights. Leading worship on Tuesday.

I also decided that I'm going to go rogue on the diet. I've been told what I should and shouldn't be eating, but it's really putting a funk in my mood. Mainly because I emotionally eat. So I'm going back to just counting calories for now. Down the road when I'm fitter, maybe then I will switch all my eating habits. But for now, I just be modest in my portions and conscious of my calories and fat from calories.

Anyway, in 3 weeks it will be Christmas! And then in 4 weeks my parents will be visiting! I love the holidays. This is my absolute favorite time of the year :)