Shortly after my last post I came down with severe allergies / sinus drainage / sore throat. And this has continued until today. Went to Urgent Care twice (no primary physician just yet), have been loaded with steroids, with no success. So, tomorrow I will see an ENT. I also haven't been able to sing. It's killing me. (Actually makes me feel so purposeless - without my voice I feel I have nothing; no career path, no motivation, no joy.) I'm terrified I have something wrong with my vocal cords. Petrified. Paralyzed.
So, all my weight is back on. I haven't been able to breathe, and therefore I haven't been to the gym. I haven't weighed myself. I'm afraid to. My clothing still fits. Relatively.
I just feel very discouraged. And "can't" is actually viable. I could have gone. Yeah. And choked on my drainage. Could have been entertaining I suppose.
I've been thinking a lot about what defines us. It frustrates me that something I rely on to make me actually feel worth anything is not functioning. At least when all the shit-hit-the-fan I could sing and feel confident, pretty, joyful, full of life. But now I can't do that. It breaks my heart.
It's alway something other than Christ.
Body image. Singing. Guitar playing. If only I had a better body. If only I could sing. If only I could play mad riffs and lead worship with the cool male worship leaders. Then people would hold me in high regard. I would be something special. I want to be special. I want to be respected. I don't want to have to pay dues anymore.
But more than anything, I'm desperate for my voice. Desperate. Please God. Please.
I hear you. How are you doing now that it's been a while?
ReplyDeleteI'm still sick, unfortunately. The doctor had put me on some heavier meds, and they lasted a month. At the end of them I was feeling back at 100%. Had planned to go back to the gym this week, but I started feeling lousy again. I've gained everything back. And sadly, I don't care that much. I care when I go shopping. But I feel so awful and so tired by the end of the day I don't feel like busting my butt. Plus, I fall asleep by 9PM and wake up exhausted. I get tired around 4PM and probably could go to bed then. I think I need to get a second opinion... I guess.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when that happens. I want to type something wise and encouraging, but those types of things always end up sounding trite or preachy when I proof them, so I will settle on letting you know I love you, which I suppose at the heart of the matter, is all I really wished to say.
ReplyDelete