Post Script: Small Steps

Repentance means turning around and going the opposite direction.

Since my post: http://www.repentantfatty.blogspot.com/2011/12/small-steps.html many things have changed. God has been changing me. I think God changes us when we're willing.

I had this moment with God in the car, sometime in late December. I remember praying that I was tired of being who I was. Ironically, I had told people in the past who were constantly cranky and defensive: "Isn't it hard being you?" I felt God asking me the same thing. Isn't it hard being you? Making others angry? Shutting down relationships? Being Miss-cranky-pants all the time?

So, shortly thereafter God began stirring in my heart to make some bigger changes: Spend frequent time in my Word. Reconcile even the toughest situations which you had participation in. Make it a goal to be positive in all your writing on public forums. :) You think I'm kidding, don't you? Seriously.

I had a boss who follows God. He is full of compassion and grace. He is the second most Christ-like person I've ever worked for. And his best Christ-like quality, which Richard Foster would say is WHO he is and not something he DOES, he is humble and doesn't know he is humble. Anyway, this boss said to me something profound several months ago: You cannot forgive something that didn't happen.

I told him, he was right. But that I also know, staying angry at someone, holding a grudge, doesn't actually hurt the person with whom you are angry or hold a grudge. It only hurts you. Much forgiveness has happened in the past six months.

I apologized to two people whom I'd hurt deeply with my words. One was a former co-worker. I am so glad we reconciled. How this started: I felt God urging me to pray for him shortly after I had my moment with God in the car. So I did. It didn't start out bitterly. But it did start out short. "God, be with him." Then it grew to, "God, you love him. So, show Him your love today." Then it grew to: "God, if you love him, so should I." It's funny how small steps become gigantic steps in relationship to an all loving God. The best part is, our reconciliation was a blessing to me. I got to see his new born baby, and see his wife.

Then I began reading this book: Repenting of Religion by Gregory A Boyd. It suggests that we eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil every time we judge someone, and it is this judgment which keeps people away from Jesus. Now, it's much more eloquantly articulated, and a highly recommended read, but God's word through it has been changing me. I've taken Boyd's challenge to start seeing other people - ALL PEOPLE - even those whom I view to be "highly hypocrtical abusers of authority" (as mentioned in my previous "Small Steps" entry in early December), with Christ's love, forgiveness, grace, and compassion. As God worked on my heart I kept feeling Him bring up this situation with another person. Honestly, I felt righteous about the whole situation. (I can justify anything - but I feel most people are talented at justifying their wrong actions.) But, God kept pulling my heart to seek reconciliation. To admit I was wrong (even though I felt very right). So, one day, while getting ready in the morning, I felt God say, 'Do it Now'. So, I stopped myself mid-hair brush stroke, and made contact with this person and sought reconciliation.

There is a difference in doing these things because I am obligated to do them. If I tell my husband this: "I love because I am obligated to by our marriage vows." Does he feel loved? If I tell God, "I will seek reconciliation because I am obligated to." am I authentically seeking reconciliation for the reasons God has for me? Why does Martha neglect spending time with Jesus? Because she has cultural obligations. Who else is going to prepare the meal and clean up if she doesn't do it? But Mary sees time with Jesus as more important than the obligation. Obligations will get done. But what is greater?

This week I will begin a clean diet. And this week I'll be going back to gym.